On a Sunday Evening in early August Jim asked to talk with Mike and I. Mike was working but Jim said it was fine to just talk with me. He came into the basement, put his attache case on the table, flipped open the two locks and pulled out a two-page itemized letter saying if he is to move back here these are his requirements. I was taken by surprise because when Joan first died we offered our home as a place where he could find refuge. He declined...until that day in early August. I read through his requirements (some were quite drastic and severe like getting rid of my two cats). This was my response.

August 8, 1999

Dear "Uncle" Jim,

While I may be your sweet little niece, I am also a middle-aged woman who has learned quite a bit about life (through all that analyzing you hate).

I have thought long and hard about all your kind offers. I have a feeling you are looking forward to being part of our family here because you are concerned about your health. We are also concerned about you. But I need to think about what is best for all of us (and this includes me for a change). That is the wonderful thing Millie taught me with that experience..... that when it comes to this building, or my personal life, if I don't care, no one else will.

So this is how I have determined we will all be able to benefit from your move here. We will take it one step at a time. This may be what you had planned, but I just now arrived on the scene since I had no idea what you wanted to talk to us about last Sunday and was not prepared for the items on your list.

You are free to come and sleep here from this moment on. Just bring your clothes, toiletries, and any of your personal effects you need on a daily basis.

When you have been here long enough to know whether you think it might work for you, then you can decide if you want to bring some of your furniture here.

When you have sold your home, and are very sure you want to stay here with us you can re-do the room, and make any other changes you'd like to the apartment (with Mom's okay that is).

I will just sleep in the basement on the bunk bed down there until we know for sure you will like staying here. At that time I will make a more permanent bedroom down there.

We are also going to look into bringing more power into the building. If Mike takes the full-time job (and we should know that tomorrow) we will have the electrician do the entire job. If he does not take the job he can do most of the work himself. We will keep you posted on this. This way everyone can buy their own a/c units.

In time, if we find this is a wonderful arrangement for all of us we will look into further changes to the building. And in the meantime, you are free to join us as soon as tonight if you're ready and willing to make the leap.

My life has not been easy. Most of my problems never involved money, but rather giving up what is important to me. Thanks to a few disappointing experiences in the past I have finally learned how to protect what is valuable to me. So anything that changes the status quo is something I need to move very slowly on.

I want to make sure that moving into this building, even if it is only for sleeping, is exactly what you want to do. And you won't know this until you ease into it and see how it will work for you.

You belong with us, Jim, because you were an integral part of all our families (Vivian and her kids, the Fairmans, the Ritters, and mine with Mike and the kids). It is important to me that you work your way back slowly so you can determine if this is really best for you as a permanent home, or if you only need a safe harbor before you set sail again. This way of approaching the situation gives you that freedom.

Love

Barbara

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