JAMES ROBERT TURK
Born February 28, 1934, Died February 5, 2001
Married on August 16, 1992 to Joan Patterson (d.August 21, 1998)
Father in heart to Jennie Patterson
BROTHER TO:
:
Vivian and Tony Guzzardo, Betty and Irv Burrichter, Theresa and Wally Franzen,
Ed and Dolly Turk, Frank and Joyce Turk,
Helen and Jack Klein, Millie and Bob Fairman
UNCLE TO:
Barbara (Guzzardo) and Mike Garrison, Elena (Guzzardo) and Cel Ruiseco;
Linda (Burrichter) and Robin Renault, Christine (Burrichter) & Sonny Webb,
Jane Burrichter, Allan and Donna Burrichter, Dennis Burrichter;
Diane (Franzen) and Mike McDonald, Bobby Franzen;
Judy (Turk) and Dick Wise, Marilyn Turk, Rick and Darlene Turk;
Frank Turk, Jr., Tony and Sandy Turk,Therese (Turk) Garcia,
Marian (Turk) and David Ordinario;
Jim and Annearle Klein, John and Laura Klein, Pattie (Klein) and Marty Vandenack,
Karen (Klein) and John Lasocki;
Christopher Fairman, Jeff and Sharon Fairman, Jon Fairman. Tim Fairman,
Rob and Jane Fairman.
GODFATHER TO:
Kim Ritter, Jim Ritter, Christy Ruiseco;
Bobby Franzen;
Frank Turk, Jr.;
John Klein, Pattie Klein;
Bob Fairman, Jon Fairman, Rob Fairman.
A LITTLE HISTORY
Jim was the youngest in a family of eight, the only child born after me. Mom used to call us her baby boy and baby girl (when I reached forty, "baby girl" sounded great). Shortly after he was born, our mother contracted Scarlet Fever and while Vivian was charged with care of Mom, Betty was called upon to take care of the baby. She and Jim formed a special attachment to each other. Jim was a beautiful baby with a cherub's face and blond hair.
He felt the call to become a Catholic priest and at high school age enrolled at Quigley Preparatory Seminary. For some reason unknown to most of us, Quigley decided he was not "priest material" and he was either asked or chose to leave that school. He subsequently went to Washburn Trade School but enlisted in the Air Force before graduating. He earned his high school diploma while in the Air Force. He loved his time in the Air Force. He was a medic and was sent to Okinawa. He has always cared about people, so this experience suited him well. He also got to travel and see parts of the country and the world which otherwise would not have been afforded him.
On return home, he began his profession as a commercial photographer. He worked for several places and ultimately ran his own business. He was very good in this line of work. He also employed a number of family members to unpack and repack commercial items sent for ads, to do modeling, or prepare the food for a shoot.
He and Vivian bought a home on the west side of the city and provided a place of their own for our mother and father whom they cared for in their later life. Above all, Jim was a caretaker. I'm sure that each of us in the family was especially cared for by Jim at one time or another. The remarkable thing is he never saw his concern as anything out of the ordinary and frequently didn't even recall the things he did that were so special to the rest of us. He was 38 when he bought his first car which brought him much joy. He loved the city but also liked to travel. Having a car gave him the freedom to explore. After Dad died and Mom was in a nursing home, they sold their home and moved to the two flat at 5621 N. Richmond where he and Vivian shared the upstairs apartment and Barbara and Mike the first floor apartment.
I think Jim's call to the priesthood was real and because it was denied him, he always seemed to involve himself in parish life. He helped in whatever way he could. Ultimately he returned to the parish where we all grew up, Immaculate Conception on North Park Avenue. There he met Joan and they were immediately drawn to each other. Joan was a widow with a daughter, Jennie. They were married when Jim was 58 years old. Jennie was in her twenties and Jim became her father in heart and spirit if not by birth. We were all so happy that he finally found the love of his life and had a family of his own. Joan died after a prolonged battle with aggressive breast cancer only six years after they were married but their time together was precious.
Jim had medical problems of his own...internal bleeding, artery blockage to the heart, lung cancer and surgery, and then the esophageal cancer which took his life. He was not one to reveal his innermost thoughts or to complain and he dealt with each problem as it arose.
We were fortunate to have had him as part of our lives...to have called him brother, uncle, father... and offer these reflections as tribute to him.
Millie
JIM, A WONDERFUL CARETAKER
Love,
Jennie
As everyone knows, Jim was a wonderful caretaker. He was always there for anyone who needed him. This was true for the people at Immaculate Conception as well. I have had many older parishioners tell what a lovely man Jim was. One little lady even told me that they used to call him "Sexy Jim" whenever he drove them home from mass. He was the one person who everyone could count on.
To me Jim was the only dad I had ever known. My father and mother were divorced as long as I could remember. I also didn't spend much time with my father while growing up and when I was around 11-12 years old, he passed away of Hodgkins disease. As I grew up it was just my mom and I. That was until Jim came along. Now I know that all of you have heard their story, so I won't go over that again, but I do want to tell my side of the story.
The day after my mom and Jim had their first date, I was hanging out with two of my girlfriends at home. One of my friends asked my mom about her date. She was flipping through a magazine and without looking up said, "it was finehe asked me to marry him." Of course all three of us were surprised. One of my friends just told me to go and hug her, so I did, but I also whispered in her ear, "You better explain this one to me later."
I was nineteen when they got married. I wasn't exactly happy about Jim coming into our lives, because I was so used to it just being my mom and I. For the first year that they were married I really didn't get to know Jim. I really didn't talk much to either one of them to tell you the truth. It was during the second year that I realized what a wonderful person Jim was. I never saw my mom so happy before. She had dated before, but she had this glow about her when she was around Jim. It was also nice to be able to go out and not have to worry about mom being lonely. Unfortunately, after the first year of their marriage, things started to go down hill. The first thing was my grandmother's death. This hit my mother and I pretty hard. I was very close to her and even to this day I still miss her. I was happy that Jim was around to help us out with everything from the legal stuff to the emotional feelings that went along with all of this
A little after my grandmother's death, Jim got sick. I remember driving to the hospital in a snowstorm while Jim was having one of his operations, my mother was a wreck! When he got better, mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn't really know how to feel about that. We all went through some rough times while mom went through the stages of cancer. I have to say that when mom passed away that was the hardest time of my life. I am still extremely thankful that Jim was there with me. At least we had each other to hang on to. Since my mom died three days before my 26th birthday, that year wasn't so good. All I got were birthday cards that said, "I know that this year is horrible for youHappy Birthday." Of course it wasn't that bad, but you get the drift. Jim knew how hard that birthday was for me so the following year he really wanted things to be special. In 1999, he held a birthday party for me at this German restaurant in Lincoln Park. On the invitation it said something to the effect of, "You're invited to Jennie's 21st Birthday!" It was such a wonderful party. Jim just wanted things to be better for me than they were last year and he succeeded.
Jim and I became extremely close after my mom's death. We would hang out regularly and talk at least four times a day or so. On my birthdays, we would go for a drive somewhere and then go to dinner. He would stay with me at my house when I was sick and take care of me and take me to any doctor's appointment that I had. He was right by my side when I had all of those lovely tests for MS such as the spinal tap and MRI. Anything that I needed he would be there to help me. Sometimes we would just hang out and drink wine together and talk. He was a very quiet man, but he always did tell you how he felt and that is why I love him. Even when my mom was alive and she and I were fighting, he would yell at us (in a loving way of course) and be our mediator. I even remember that I got him very angry with me a few times and you know he's a very calm man. I figure that if I can rile him up then he must really love me. Jim was just so amazing to me.
When Jim got diagnosed with cancer he told Rick before he told me. That actually makes me glad, because it means that he loved him too. I know that Jim was looking forward to walking me down the aisle. It was hard for me to take the news, but you deal with whatever is thrown at you, right? After his horrible surgery, the doctor told me that he wouldn't last that much longer. After hearing that, I decided to quit my job and devote most of my time to care for him. It was hard to see him decline the way he did, but I was just happy to be around him. He did make everyone feel special as Fr. Tim said. I was always proud to call him my dad.
He's gone now and I have to admit that I feel very alone. He wasn't only a dad to me, but a close friend as well. I still find myself picking up the phone to call him. One thing that I believe helps all of us cope with his death is the fact that he is with mom now. They were the most beautiful couple and finally my mother doesn't have to wait anymore to have him by her side. That is the one thing that I am happy about. I am reading this book right now called Midlife Orphan and one thing it says is that when you lose both your parents you are no longer an adult-child, but an adult. This is scary for me and I suppose for anyone in the same boat. I figure since I am an "adult" now I will hold Jim's memory dear to me and when I have children I will tell them all about my parents and let them know how special they both were. That's all that any of us can do, just keep their memory alive in us and let others know about them. I will miss Jim dearly and I can only hope that he is now happy and with mom. I love you Dad!
I do want to thank all of you who have adopted me into the family, especially Vivian and Barbara. You two are so wonderful and I love hanging out with you. I thank everyone else as well for being so kind to my mom and I and accepting us into this wonderful family.
I will always be a Turk at heart!
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JIM'S FINAL DAYS
Recollections of Millie
and Barbara
Aided by the Excellent Record Keeping of Vivian
Wednesday, January 24th
Millie: On Wednesday, Vivian called to let us know that Jim had signed up for home hospice care the night before. His doctors told him that there was little they could do for him and hospice care would save him from having to make trips to the doctor's office or hospital. Nancy from Horizon Hospice met with Jim, Jennie, Vivian, Barbara and Mike, took down information, ordered a hospital bed and walker to be delivered on Thursday. Doctors, Nurses, and Nurses Aides would come to the house regularly and they would now be responsible for prescribing and delivering his medication. They said that if at any point he, or the family, preferred it they could take him to their facility. Later, with Vivian, Barbara and Mike in the living room, in an unfamiliar show of emotion, with his face contorted to suppress a sob, Jim gained enough control to speak without letting the sob escape. He said he would like to die at home. Barbara reassured him that he would stay here.
Barbara: "I'd like to stay here, if you don't mind" were his exact words, spoken in an almost whisper because he was fighting back what might have ended up a sob. I'm not sure what was behind all the emotion of that moment. I realized, of course, he was dying of cancer, but he knew that for at least six months, and longer if you consider the cancerous tumor they removed from his lung over a year ago. That is when Jim became a full-time resident here until he recuperated from that horrifying lung surgery and the eight day hospital stay. I wrote up the story of the surgery because Jim said he remembered almost none of that experience so I said he should put what he remembered down on paper and I'd fill in the details (which turned into a ten page story). I didn't think he'd survive that surgery but he did.
About 20 years ago, he was on death's door then also when he had a bleeding ulcer, or ulcerated esophagus, I'm not sure which it was. But he almost died then, and again about a year later on the night of Grandma's wake when he had a recurrence of that first emergency. That first episode was when Frank asked Jim to host a surprise 50th birthday party for Joyce. Jim had been bleeding from his rectum earlier that morning, and then later in the afternoon vomited up a huge blood clot into the sink. He kept this all to himself because he did not want to spoil Joyce's party. But as the evening wore on Jim became weaker and weaker and asked Helen and Jack if they could take him to the hospital. No one at the party knew until they went to say goodbye and he was missing. He was admitted to the hospital on the spot. The episode a year later was not as dramatic, but probably even more serious because this was the second time it had happened. I was staying at Gram's house with the kids when Jim came home to recuperate that second time. Jim was a very methodical man. He never seemed to get alarmed or emotional over anything, even though his insides told a different story. When he returned home, he planned his foods carefully, took his blood pressure and pulse regularly, and had no alcoholic beverages. He was a reformed guy and brought himself back from the dead again.
Friday, January 26th
Millie: On Friday, when Bob and Vivian went grocery shopping I went down to sit with Jim. I told him I didn't want him to feel he had to go down to answer the door in case the doorbell rang. I sat in Vivian's chair next to him and we talked, that is to say as much as two introverts can carry on a conversation. Mostly I asked him questions and he responded. I asked him how he felt and he said O.K. I asked if he was in pain and he said no. I asked if he was tired of watching the reruns which Vivian watches. He told me that those were programs that Vivian enjoyed and he didn't want her to have to change her viewing habits on his account. Besides, he said, he has a television set in his room which he could use if there was anything he really wanted to see. I got the impression that TV viewing was not high on his priority list. He did say that one night both "Touched By an Angel" and "Diagnosis Murder" plots dealt with patients dying of cancer and that was a bit much. We both laughed. When Vivian and Bob came home, I went upstairs and helped put away our groceries.
Early in the afternoon, Jean, the nurses aide who had been with Jim on Thursday came again to see to his needs. Later Nora, his nurse, came and checked his vitals and changed the bandages around his feeding tube. Jim slept in the hospital bed for a while.
Barbara: Millie and I also have a history. It goes back to my early childhood when she and I would walk like good buddies to see a movie at the Esquire, and then for a hamburger at Peter Pan's. I still remember walking next to her feeling like I was important because she wanted to spend a Sunday afternoon with me. And at times we even dressed in matching outfits. Not on purpose, but the coincidence was something that stuck in my brain to this day. When I got older, 7th grade perhaps, Millie and I shared a bed in the room between the kitchen and the dining room on Sedgwick Street. In 8th grade, I used to swipe cigarettes (L&M's) from her top drawer after she went to work in the morning. I remember watching her go through her morning rituals of putting on her make up, drinking her coffee, a dab of cologne, and then she was off...with Grandma chasing after her with a plate of french toast begging her to eat just a bite. But Millie would have no part of it. She was gone, and I was there in the big bed planning my move on her open cigarette pack in the top drawer, right hand side. She always took a fresh pack to work with her in her beautiful ivory leather and gold cigarette case that I lusted over. But the new pack never went into the case without her tapping the top of it on the edge of her hand six times, two three-tap bursts, removal of the cellophane strip and foil cover, and then it slid perfectly into that case like a hand in a glove. Ah, what class she had.
Sunday, January 28th
Millie: Jim had a bad day, couldn't eat, and managed only a can of Ensure all day. He had several bloody bowel movements and the nurse on call at hospice said not to worry, if he had been constipated the bowel would be irritated causing the bleeding. She said to call Nora on Monday. When Barbara changed the dressing on his feeding tube it was bloody also and the tube seemed to be extended out further than usual. Jim was very weak but coherent.
Barbara: Jim and I seem to be blood relatives in every sense of the word. When I was a senior in high school, I had my period for 27 days. I had grown so weak I could barely stand up, but I went bowling. I kept wishing it would stop but did nothing to insure that. After such a long duration I was menstruating water, and would pass a walnut-sized blood clot each time I urinated. I was scared but when a Turk is scared they usually keep it to themselves until they can figure out what to do. And while I was a Guzzardo in my temperament, I was a Turk in my habits. When I made it up the stairs to our first floor apartment on North Park Avenue, across the street from I.C. Parish, I was unable to stand up. I crawled into the front room and announced that I was sick. Dr. Murphy was called and when he saw I was menstruating water, he said to get me to the hospital immediately. We didn't have a car so they called a cab and Jim carried me down those steps and into the cab where he escorted me and my mother to St. Joseph's Hospital where I was given five pints of blood for starters. I can still remember Jim's arms holding me and me being very worried he would hurt himself.
We had need of Jim's help when the contract on a building Mike and I were going to buy fell through the week before we closed on it. Our house was already sold and we had no place to go with all our things. We called and asked Jim if all of us (Mike, me, Vicki, Deb and Jimmy) could stay with them until we decided what we wanted to do. We were there for three months, during which time Jim was recuperating from his second episode of the bleeding ulcers and feeling pretty shaky about his future since it was apparent his health was not too good. When we got back on our feet we began to look at apartments to rent. Mike did not want to own another building, or even a home because he had put in so much work on the building we lost, and also on his own building when he was first married. Jim suggested we go together on a two-flat and with the sale of their home on Menard, and the money from our home on Walton, we could have a sizeable down payment and he and Mike could share in the maintenance. Both Mike and Jim were skilled in home repair and a variety of other fix-it things. It seemed like a good deal even if we didn't want the responsibility of another home. At the bottom of it all was my suspicion that Jim did not feel able to take care of himself, or of my mother any longer, and was asking me for help. Within a month we found this place at 5621 N. Richmond. Jim and Mom had trouble selling their home but eventually rented the second floor apartment. We were all members of St. Hilary Parish. When Mike and I left St.Hilarys because of an unfortunate set of circumstances, Jim said he could no longer be a parishioner there.
Monday, January 29th
Millie: On Monday, Vivian called and said Jim had a really bad night and that she and Barbara were up most of the night. Jim went to the bathroom about every ten minutes and wasn't quite sure why. By morning he was pretty much out of it. She said the nurse and nurses aide were coming that afternoon. Both Nora and Jean came and when Nora checked the feeding tube it came out and she put in a temporary tubing into the opening. Blood was draining from the tubing.
Barbara: That Monday, I came home from work to find what looked like a scene from the basement dioramas in the Chicago Historical Society of how surgery was done before anesthetics or operating rooms, and I went into shock. I knew Jim was heading into something serious, but was totally unprepared for it being this sudden. Jim was out of it, probably from loss of blood, or maybe he was as stunned as we were. I had my coat on when I walked into the dining room and my coat was still on an hour later when they finished with this make-shift surgery at the dining room table followed by a proctological exam in the bathroom. Nora was telling me which pills he now had to take and when, and what he can eat if he is hungry, and what the procedure will be with the tube, and and and...........STOP! When they were leaving, I said "I'm not ready for any of this. Yesterday he was in charge of his life, now I am? I am only his niece and I have a job, and a family, and a life of my own. I am not ready, or willing, to make his life my only priority and yet what choice do I have?" I felt terribly ashamed of myself acting so angry and resentful, and yet it was true, where is everyone else? Nora said that if he had money we could hire someone to stay with him. I said he has no money, and his wife just died two years ago so he has only us.
Millie: When I talked to Barbara later she said that she and Jenny were going to alternate night duty so that each of them could have a night where they could sleep. Barbara asked if I could help out at nighttime and I told her that is what I intended to do when it was her night, since I am a night owl anyway and don't have to go to work in the morning. I couldn't believe the change in Jim from Friday to Monday. I called all the guys in our family to inform them of the inevitable.
Barbara: Jennie called to check on Jim and let me know she'd be over tonight after work and sleep on the couch in the front room next to Jim who was in the Lazy Boy. Phew, I could get some rest finally. Jim was up only twice during the night. Millie and Bob offered to take Tuesday night and any other night I needed a break. It was decided that Jennie and Rick would alternate nights with Millie and Bob and I would be available when they needed me. This way I could go to work and be rested enough to function.
Tuesday, January 30th
Millie: On Tuesday afternoon, Jennie called and asked if we would come down and change Jim's Depends. So Bob and I went down; Jim was in his recliner and Bob and I stood on each side of him and tried to get him on his feet. I asked Jim if he could stand up and he replied that he could if I wasn't standing on his foot. I looked down and sure enough I was; I said "Oh, I'm sorry" and changed my position. I'm a big help! We got his sweat pants down and Jenny had to tell us how to get the Depends off. He hadn't messed it but Bob cleaned him off with wipes and they put a new Depends on him. We stayed for a while and then went back upstairs.
Barbara: After the business at St. Hilarys, Jim suggested he and Mom go back to I.C. parish and see what it was like. They became parishioners again. This was where we all grew up and they knew the history and had pictures and mementos to prove it. They were back "home" and loved it. Joan was the sacristan there. Jim was always big into celebrations, and religious ceremonies ranked right up there for him. Joan saw something in Jim that was very appealing and asked him if he would want to be a co-sacristan. Within three months they were married. With Mike now an over-the-road driver for J.B.Hunt, that left Mom alone upstairs and me alone downstairs, and no one to help with the mortgage or be there with Mom and me in this big building. Millie suggested that they rent one of the apartments. That solved a lot of concerns I had at the time and also became a way of connecting the dots of our lives.
Millie: This was Barbara's night so I went down at 11:00 pm and Bob relieved me from 12:00-1:00 Jim was lying back in his recliner and Barbara had made up a bed for herself on the couch in the living room. She said Jim had liquid morphine which could be administered every two hours and had a sedative which was supposed to keep him calm all night. I sat down on a straight back chair next to the recliner, told Jim I was there and would stay all night, that he wouldn't be alone. There was no response of any kind but I felt he heard me. I held his hand. Occasionally his body would start to shake and if I rubbed his arm, the shaking would stop. He would occasionally start moving his arms until he got his hands to the feeding tube and tried to scratch. I said "I know it itches but please be careful not to pull out the feeding tube." And I would gently try to get his hands away from the tube.
Barbara: The "tube" was what ended Jim's life prematurely. I am sure of it. He was doing so well after the lung surgery a year ago, and even when they discovered he had a cancerous tumor in his esophagus he managed to make a good life for himself and all of us. He would take Mom out to breakfast, and sometimes lunch, and dinner on Saturday nights after his work at I.C. was done. He had been spending most of every day at I.C. as a general all-round presence during the day, and at night he would answer the phones and be there for the evening meetings. He made himself a "day room" on the third floor of the parish center and had all his special things there, along with his huge comfy recliner. That was the chair he sat in in their home on Avenue L as he watched over Joan while she battled the effects of her own chemotherapy. After his recent unsuccessful surgery to remove the tumor in his esophagus he never returned to I.C., or to the good life he had prior to this surgery. The chemo and radiation had taken all his hair, but not his spirit. He was still cooking his famous meals and going out to eat on a regular basis because the chemo had shrunk the tumor enough to allow him to eat again. The night before his surgery we took a picture of him and he looks wonderful, bald, but wonderful. He did not seem unduly concerned, and was anxious to get the surgery over with. The person who came home from the hospital three weeks later was not Jim. He knew he made a mistake in agreeing to the surgery, he said so. "I should never have let them touch me." He went in a man dealing with his condition. He ended up losing control of his life and his circumstances. They surgically inserted a "G" tube (a feeding tube) into the left side of his chest and put a clamp on it to hold it shut. Every two days the dressing on the incision needed to be changed and the tube flushed with water. It was a constant reminder that he was going to be very sick soon and it also prevented him from taking his daily shower. The healing properties of warm water flowing over a tired and weary body were denied him. His death sentence was that "G" tube that was never used, never healed up, and delivered the final ironic blow, internal bleeding.
Millie: Bob came down from 12:00-1:00 after which I would return for the rest of the night.
Barbara: When Bob relieved Millie, I turned over and fell asleep on the couch a few feet away. I was awakened by Bob's voice reassuring Jim that "It's okay, just relax, Jim, it's okay." Wow, I wanted to bop Bob for perhaps waking Jim up just to reassure him that it was okay. Again, I heard Bob saying in hushed tones, "It's okay, Jim, just relax, relax, can you just relax." I'm thinking that I may have to get up and tell Bob to leave Jim alone because thanks to all these wonderful meds Jim IS relaxed, now please leave him alone. One more time I hear him comforting Jim and I am now so upset at the thought of Bob waking him up I flip over and see Jim straining to get free of Bob's grip on the back of his sweatshirt. Bob was leaning over the recliner trying to keep him in the chair but apparently losing the battle. Jim was on his feet trying to make a break for it and Bob and I had to wrestle him back down. When Millie came down I shared this story with her to let her know Jim had not calmed down the way we had hoped.
Millie: When I returned at 1:00 am, I sat down in the chair next to Jim. All of a sudden, Jim pushed the chair into a sitting position and said he was going to the bathroom. I said "Jim you don't need to go to the bathroom, you have on a Depends so you can just go and then we can change the Depends." He said, "Dammit Millie, I have to go!" I guess he knew who I was. By this time, Barbara got up and Jim was trying to stand with the aid of a walker. Barbara told him we had a urinal and that would be better than trying to get him to the bathroom and would that be O.K. He said yes. So we got him on his feet, he was leaning on the walker and we got his sweatpants down and tried to figure out once again how to get the Depends off. When we finally did, I stood behind him bracing his back and Barbara, with the urinal in hand, said "Where is it?" So she stuffed as much of him as she could fit into the urinal and Jim did go. Then Barbara wiped him off, we put on a Depends, pulled his sweats up and sat him back in the chair. The chair has a lever to raise the feet, but you have to put pressure on the back to get it to a reclining position. So I put my arms down the back of the chair and was practically hanging off of it in the back but it wouldn't recline. Jim said, "Millie, you're huffing and puffing." Eventually with a lot of pushing, it finally went down. Barbara gave Jim his medication, and settled down again on the couch and I sat back on the chair, holding his hand or rubbing his arm. In about half an hour he raised the chair and said he had to go! Barbara got up again and we went through the procedure one more time only this time she was in back and I held the urinal and I understood her original "Where is it?" comment. This time though he didn't really have to go, just had the urge but the whole process seemed to satisfy him...he thought he went. And I thought, oh great now we have to figure how to get this dumb chair down again. This time, Barbara said "I think if you press it forward rather than trying to push it down it will work" and lo and behold it did and I said "That was easy." and Jim said "No, it's not easy." By this time Barbara and I were both laughing to ourselves. This poor guy has the two biggest self-proclaimed clutzes taking care of him.
Barbara: This night was more like a sit-com than a hospice experience. I often laugh at Millie and I trying to accomplish anything physical together. Neither one of us is particularly graceful, and both border on being almost dangerous, so here we were together in the dark, trying to manage a sick and drugged man who was still more capable than we are. The cameras should have been rolling as Millie came down in her long white robe, and I met her in the front room in the short white robe she had just given me because she got the long one for Christmas. Each time we danced around, grunting like we were in labor, and trying to manage Jim who was still a stubborn and defiant Turk, I tried to imagine how someone else (like Jim) might see us...either like two doctors in our white lab coats, or perhaps heavenly angels. Jim definitely did not see us as angels and got quite short with us on several occasions. None of his nasty comments or refusal to cooperate slowed us down in our mission to make this man comfortable. In spite of the liquid morphine I was giving him every two hours, he still would try and stand up and get away from us. I suggested we might need an elephant gun to keep him in that chair.
As we engaged in the second escapade with the urinal, Jim just stood for a while (until we tore the goddamn Depends off of him because we had never figured out how to get these things off easily). He then stood and stood and stood with Millie and I like white robed bookends. Nothing! Wrestle, wrestle, wrestle, and he's back in the recliner, actually reclining and giving us the false hope that he will finally sleep. I was fooled enough to go back to my couch and drift into a semi-sleep when I heard Jim say, not ten minutes later, that he had to go the bathroom. I thought to myself, in a pig's eye you will! When I realized from the sounds in the room that Millie bought into it and had him on his feet again, I flipped off the couch and onto my feet. With my hands on my hips, I stated emphatically, "No, you're not. We're not going through this again" then I softened and added "it's too hard on all of us." Millie was face to face with him so if he had anything nasty to say it was going to be to her and not me. Having this safety feature built into my position I then informed him he is going to sit down and go to sleep. The lack of sleep had gotten to me and I had no qualms about roughing up a dying man.
When he was back in his chair Millie assumed her perch next to him and I heard her comforting him and encouraging him to use his Depends, that it was okay, and best for him and us. Her comforting tone of voice was putting me to sleep but not without laughing for about two minutes remembering how Millie and I in one of our prior team efforts couldn't even fold some big sheets from the drier without getting everything all mixed up as far as who goes left and who goes right, not to mention banging our fists on the drier and the doorway...and now Fric and Frac had this man's jewels in our hands trying to find the opening in the bottle so he wouldn't get our white robes wet. Yikes what a horrid night for Jim, but for us, well I have to say it still is hysterically funny when I think of it.
Millie: At this point Barbara decided when she gave him his morphine that the time was right to give him another little white pill to calm him. Then she once again settled down on the couch and I on the chair. Earlier when Barbara went to sleep I could hear her breathing; now when she fell asleep I didn't hear a sound and I worried that Jim was alive and Barbara was dead. I kept looking at her hoping to see the movement of the body that breathing induces and couldn't see any. I knew that if I got up she would jump up and tried to convince myself not to worry when all of a sudden the recliner was once again in a sitting position. This time I whispered to Jim that I realized he felt he had to go but he just went and the feeling would pass and Barbara was asleep now and we shouldn't wake her up. Because he has always cared about everyone else, he agreed and I got the chair back down and Jim settled in. Barbara didn't wake up and I was hoping that it wasn't because she was dead!
By this time it was about 4:30 am and I needed a cigarette but wouldn't leave Jim to go upstairs for a smoke and the time began to drag. The rest of the night was uneventful except for my craving and I began to wonder what time everyone got up in the morning. Barbara got up at 6:00 am and my first thought was good she's alive, and my second thought was now I can go upstairs and have a cigarette.
I went upstairs, had two cigarettes and laid down on the couch. If I went to bed, I knew I would wake Bob up because he's a light sleeper and when I am overtired I can usually fall asleep on the couch easier than if I'm in bed. I slept for about three hours.
After I left, Mike came up to take Jim to the bathroom and change his Depends, but Jim wouldn't let him, said he didn't have to go (now there's a switch!). After Mike left for work and Barbara was in her room getting dressed, she heard someone walking and it didn't sound like Vivian's footsteps so she came out to investigate and found Jim in the bathroom...he had gotten there on his own, sure-footed in his approach. So she took off his Depends, let him sit on the toilet, cleaned him up and put on a Depends, got him in the wheelchair and got him back to the recliner before she left for work. She also called Jenny to let her know Jim was too active for Vivian to care for him alone.
Barbara: Talk about the creeps! It was like those spook stories where you are looking at a dead person and then suddenly they make a move and you jump out of your skin. That determined and fast walking in the hallway, and then the closing of the bathroom door. Never in a million years could I fathom it being Jim because up to this point he couldn't even stand with our help and the help of the walker. He was so weak he would shake like he was being electrocuted. Now he suddenly stood up on his own and walked without any help of any kind and no walker even. Impossible. That's what I thought when I heard the footsteps. It must have been Mom going to check on Jim. But I could hear Mom in the kitchen so then who was in the bathroom? I opened the door and said, "Jim what are you doing here?" He said I'm going to the bathroom. I think all night long he was probably building a head of steam because Millie and I wouldn't (couldn't) keep taking him back and forth to the bathroom without one of us croaking...and I doubted it would be Jim. At one point when Millie and I were wrestling him to get his sweat pants up and him situated in his recliner he snapped at me, "You're going to give me a heart attack"...hah! Then why was I the one grunting and groaning? Later on in the day we were told that Jim was feeling a lot of pressure inside from the bloating and blood building in his intestines and that is why he kept feeling as if he had to go to the bathroom. But knowing that wouldn't have helped us anyway, he was stronger than both of us at that point.
Wednesday, January 31st
Millie: Vivian called all our family members to inform them of Jim's condition. Helen volunteered to come spend the day on Thursday. Vivian then talked to Nora in the morning and at Barbara's direction asked if they could put in a catheter and remove the feeding tube which was a source of constant irritation to Jim. Dr. P and two other doctors came late morning, examined Jim, and said to discontinue all his former pills (it was impossible to try to get him to swallow a pill); he would now be on hospice prescriptions only.
Nora came in the early afternoon, said Jim had to be in bed because his feet and ankles were too swollen to continue to be in the recliner. She inserted the catheter and removed the feeding tube and brought a pill to hopefully allow him to sleep all night. Anna, a nurses aide, came and cleaned and shaved Jim and put him in pj's. Jennie came and was here when the doctors and nurses came but had to leave at 3:30 to go to work.
Jon came after work and the three of us went downstairs. Jim was now settled in the hospital bed with both his legs and head raised and looked much more comfortable than in the recliner. The bag that was attached to the catheter had bloody discharges in it. Although we were sure he could hear, he was unable to speak or acknowledge anyone's presence. After spending some time with him, we went into the living room and when Barbara was walking to the kitchen she found him sitting at the raised foot end of the bed with his feet on the floor. She called the rest of us and the guys got him back in bed. Now how the heck was he able to do that!
Barbara: We were having a good visit in the front room to break the spell of just watching Jim die. Having him secure in the hospital bed with the foot part elevated and the railings up on the side gave us a sense of security that we didn't need to stand guard over him all the time now, especially since he was also being medicated on a regular basis. Wrong!!!!! For the second time I was shocked out of my mind by the vision of Jim perched on the end of his bed getting set to stand and walk out of the room. He must have scooched down the bed, and over the elevated foot section, and then slid himself onto the floor and was taking a rest on the foot board. Yes, it may take an elephant gun.
Millie: Jennie and Rick spent the night with him.
Barbara: After our tales of battle with Jim, I convinced them that they may need to sleep at the foot end of his bed to make sure he stays in it. So they both curled up on that little day bed Jim used as a couch on Menard. They tried to sleep with Jim's moans being loud enough to be heard upstairs by the Fairmans who were trying to get their fair-share night's sleep before their next tour of duty.
Thursday, February 1st
Millie: Jack brought Helen at 8:30 to spend the day here. Tim came at about 11:30, administered the sacrament of the sick and brought communion for everyone. Joyce came after work at about 1:15. I went down a little later and was there when Nora and Dr. G came. Bob came down then too. We were all in the room as they examined him. Nora asked if we had a large green garbage bag; Bob went upstairs to get one. She then showed us an easy way to get Jim up in the bed should he slip down. The bed had regular sheets and pillows and under his torso was a piece of flannel about two feet wide. She asked Jim if he would turn on his side away from her and then put the flannel around him and tucked one end of the garbage bag under the flannel. Next she asked Jim to turn on his other side facing her and again put the flannel over him and asked the doctor who was on the opposite side of the bed to pull the garbage bag through to his side. Then she asked Jim to lay on his back again. Jim did everything she asked. She and the doctor then picked up the ends of the flannel and pulled it upwards; it slid easily on the plastic and Jim was raised higher in the bed. She then repeated the procedure to get the plastic bag out and stored it in the bed frame for future use. This was a really clever procedure and I was fascinated by it. At one point, Jim's stomach rumbled and Bob said "That wasn't me" and Nora repeated the phrase. Bob said it must have been the doctor who just smiled. We all enjoyed this little period of levity. Afterwards, Nora spoke with all of us in the kitchen. She told us that Jim could hear and cautioned us to be guarded about what we say in his room. After spending some time with us comforting us and reassuring us, they left. I was very impressed with Nora's abilities and her care of us as well as Jim.
Barbara: From the beginning I was totally impressed with the Horizon Hospice people, and the speed with which they acted. There were no answering machines to deal with, it was a live person, a nurse who was on duty 24-hours a day. And the medicines and equipment arrived just hours after the request. We knew we were not alone and we also knew we were dealing with competent and caring people. It enabled us to be less fearful and more confident in our approaching Jim. I am sure he picked that up in our touch and in our voices when we spoke to him. While Jennie had all the uncomfortable and ugly dealings with the doctors before Jim went into Hospice, I was fortunate to be able to work with these professionals who knew what Jim might need and what he was experiencing and also what we needed. Helen volunteered to come over on Thursday to be with Mom during the day and stayed until after Mike and I were home. She did the same on Friday. This also freed me to be at work and not concerned with Mom trying to handle the responsibility and stress of Jim's condition. I was absolutely amazed at how the family stepped up to help not only Jim, but also Mike, Mom and me.
Millie: This was our time for night duty. I went down from 11:00 to 12:00; then Bob came down from 12:00 to 2:00 when I returned for the remainder of the night. I brought down my video of "Fiddler on the Roof" and my portable radio. After I told Jim I was there and would be there all night, that he wasn't alone, I told him I was going to play "Fiddler on the Roof" because I thought he might enjoy the music. Barbara got up every two hours to administer his morphine; she always told him it was the medicine that tasted bad. I told her I could give him the medicine but she said it really took two people. I did feel he was better off if the same person gave him the medicine so I didn't argue with her. She took his temperature and it was only 100.7 which was good we thought. After Fiddler ended I put on the radio to the classical music station. Somehow I thought music would be good for him. I had put my cigarettes and an ashtray on the front stairs leading to our apartment and at 4:00 I went out there for a cigarette. Barbara told me I could go in the bathroom and just open the window but I didn't want to do that. I sat next to his bed, held his hand or rubbed his arm; occasionally I would put my hand on his forehead and gently move it back over his head. I wanted him to be reassured that he was not alone. Occasionally Jim would flail his arms about as if attempting to rub his nose or scratch his chest but he couldn't quite get his hands where he wanted them to go. Other than that, this night was uneventful and I went upstairs at 6:00 when Barbara got up.
Friday, February 2nd
Millie: The Kleins once again took care of day watch. Helen and Karen came in the morning; Karen left early afternoon; Pattie arrived mid-afternoon; Jack came in the late afternoon after work and after spending some time with Jim, took Helen home. Fr. Pat came in the afternoon, visited with Jim and administered the sacrament of the sick. Vivian talked to Nora in the afternoon to see if his Thyroxin medication was available in liquid form since Jim couldn't swallow the pill; it wasn't so that medication was discontinued. Now, every two hours he had the liquid morphine and every six hours the small white pill to calm him and help him sleep. Jennie was on night watch and Barbara continued to give him his medications throughout the night.
Barbara: Both times Jim was given the Sacrament of the Sick an amazing thing took place. Father Tim and Father Pat spoke to Jim in soothing and comforting tones and established the connection necessary to prepare him for the rite about to take place. Jim's hands were shaky from being so weak and debilitated and, due to the medication, he could not control his movements. His hands would seemingly reach for the tube, or try to scratch an apparent itch but with no success, they just kind of flopped around and then fell to his sides again. But when Tim and Pat assumed the role of administrator of the sacrament their voices became very solemn and firm as they announced "and now we will begin...In the Name of the Father, and of the Son..." Without hesitation or faltering, Jim's hand went exactly to his forehead and touched it, then to his chest and touched that. He could not execute the last two touches to his left and then right shoulders, his hand lay at rest on his chest. But both times I was struck with how deep these rituals live inside us. Even in his drugged and weakened state he was immediately obedient to the words that announce the presence of God. Nothing could make him forget or abandon his response to the call to prayer. I was inspired both times. Inspired, amazed, and envious.
Saturday, February 3rd
Millie: Nora called to check on Jim's condition and Barbara told her it was not necessary for her to come out. Fr. Larry came in the afternoon, spent some private time with Jim and prayed with him; he also brought Communion for Vivian. Jack, Helen, John and Laura Klein came in the afternoon. Betty called in the evening and they held the phone to Jim's ear so Betty could talk to him. This has been very hard on Betty because she really wanted to be here but the weather was too bad for them to attempt the trip. Jennie worked today and when she went home discovered her cat was delivering her kittens. Barbara told her it was not necessary for her to come and that we would take night watch. Barbara said that Jim was calm and we could sit in the living room.
Barbara, Mike, Bob and I would share the time. Bob went down from 11:00 to 1:00 when I relieved him. Mike had brought his radio up to Jim's room so I put on the classical music station. When Barbara got up at 2:00 to give him his medication, she wondered if the two of us would be able to get his body higher in the bed. I told her that I had learned how to do that when Nora was out on Thursday and after Barbara flattened the bed, we repeated Nora's procedure. However, when we moved him up we also moved the flannel strip up so that now it was under his shoulders instead of his waist...I wondered if anyone would notice that the two klutzes were at work again. But we did get him higher in the bed so both his head and feet could be raised. I didn't like sitting in the living room and about every ten minutes I would go into Jim's room to reassure him. But the floors squeaked so badly I was sure I would wake Barbara up with my frequent trips. One time I decided that if I hugged the wall the floorboards there wouldn't make quite as much noise. But in creeping along the wall, I also walked right into the humidifier in the dining room which made a lot more noise than the floorboards would have. Another brilliant idea gone awry! Mike came up at 3:30 and was on watch until Barbara got up at 6:00.
Sunday, February 4th
Millie: Joyce and then Dennis came to see Jim in the morning; Jennie and Natalie came in the early afternoon. Mike made an audio tape of a CD that Chris had made of familiar church music for Jim. Jim began to sing along with the music. When Natalie and Jennie came, Natalie sang Amazing Grace and Jim sang along...not the words but an "ahh" sound which did follow the melody. He sang along with the tape for about three hours. Late in the afternoon, Barbara told Bob and me of this latest development and said she felt the end was near. We called Jon and let him know, as he had requested. He came right over. Jennie, Vivian, Barbara, Mike, Bob, Jon and I stayed in his room with him. At the end of one of the hymns on the tape, I was sure I heard him sound a wordless Amen.
Barbara: Without much thought I asked Mike to make a cassette of the CD Chris had made for Jim. Jim could not wear the CD player Chris got him so I figured we could play that music in the room while we were about our other business. Jim no longer needed constant attention because he was very sedated, and very weak, and seemed to be relatively comfortable. Mike had difficulty getting the songs onto a cassette but persisted. When the tape was ready I went upstairs and popped it into my radio/cassette player in Jim's room and went about my chores. When Jennie and Natalie came they thought they heard Jim singing. Natalie sat close to Jim and was telling him about Joan waiting for him, and about God, and all sorts of other very uplifting things. I imagine it was quite a refreshing break from my constant care-giving (and bossy) kind of talk. Natalie then started singing "Amazing Grace" in a loud voice. Jim immediately joined in with the accurate melody. I was flabbergasted and didn't know what to think. I had slipped into a sort of apathy thinking he was not really present anymore. Suddenly I realized he was communicating with us in the only way he could. I would like to think he was letting us know he was not suffering in that body anymore, but was somewhere else where his spirit was light and free and rejoicing.
It was a real gift to me because for the past many months and especially since that Sunday night, I had been dreading these last days of his life. I didn't want him to suffer, and I worried greatly when his life seemed to be in my hands if I would know what a dying person needs and what a living person wants. While I will never know if I made the right decisions, I do know that Jim was telling us something before he died, something that seemed to be quite joyful and free.
Knowing he was still aware of what was being said was such a great relief for me that I took the opportunity to express my gratitude to him for being there for every milestone in my life, and my sorrow that soon he will be gone and I will never see him again. "Jim, I am really going to miss you." I said this the first time. Then I choked it out the second time. The third time is was muffled in sobs. My hand was resting on top of his. He reached over with his other hand and placed it on top of mine and squeezed it. I again was made aware that he was still very much present to all of us, and that he was comforting me in my grief. And maybe too, he was apologizing for turning my home, my dining room, my children's bedroom, into a place where death would come and perhaps never be erased from memory. In this touch of his hand he erased all the horror of what was taking place, and left me with a strange desire to hold him so tight he would not die, but become part of me.
Millie: After a while Bob, Jon and I went upstairs because we had a roast in the oven and didn't want it to dry out. We had dinner, Jon went down one more time, and then Bob took him home. Barbara told Jennie that we would take night watch once more and Jennie and Rick left at about 9:00. Since Barbara and Mike had to work the next day, I told Barbara that Bob and I would be down all night. I went down from 11:00 to 1:00 when Bob relieved me. Barbara once again set her alarm to give Jim his medication every two hours. At 1:35 my phone rang and Bob told me that Jim had died. Before that he went in, woke Barbara, told her that Jim had stopped breathing and asked her what our phone number is. Barbara, not hearing the first part figured he was testing her alertness by asking for our phone number. She gave it to him and he went into the living room to call me and Barbara went into Jim's room to give him his medication and then realized the first part of Bob's message...Jim had died. I came down, Barbara woke Mike and Vivian and we each spent a few minutes alone with Jim. I kissed his forehead, told him I loved him and would miss him. Barbara called the hospice center as they had been advised to do and put Mike on the phone to give directions to our place for the nurse who would come out to declare him dead. She was on the south side and figured it would be about an hour before she would arrive. I went upstairs and made a pot of decaf coffee which I brought down.
The nurse arrived at 3:00, declared him dead, filled out the necessary papers, destroyed his medications, and called the undertakers. Jim had arranged for his body to be donated to science and evidently this is handled through an undertaker all of which was prearranged because the nurse knew who to call.
At 4:15 the undertakers arrived, two men in black suits with ties, black overcoats. And there we were, this ragtag group in nightclothes. Bob said he half expected to see a horse drawn carriage in front (right out of a Dickens novel). The undertakers asked if we all had an opportunity to say our goodbyes and we responded that we had. They explained that because of the sharp corners they had to negotiate, they would likely have him in an upright position and they didn't want us to be alarmed at that sight. When they came out of his room, he was evidently in a body bag covered over with a cloth and strapped to the carrier which was indeed in an upright position. They got his body out the back door and we were suddenly alone. Barbara went into Jim's room and I joined her. She was taking all the linens and pillows off the bed and stuffing them in a garbage bag to be discarded. I could see that this past week had taken its toll on her and Jim's death was very hard on her.
Jim died at 1:35 a.m. on Monday, February 5th.
Before we went upstairs, I told Vivian that I would be down the next day to help her clear the dining room table which was completely laden with medical supplies. I told her I thought it was important that we make the place look as normal as possible before Barbara gets home from work.
Barbara: After the Herculean effort Mom and the Fairmans put in with Jim's care they went the extra mile for me, not for Jim this time but for me. When I read Millie's comment I felt that same way I did when I was a kid, walking next to her on those glorious Sundays we went to the Esquire or the Surf and then out to a restaurant. I can still remember, probably 50 years later, sitting in that booth across from her holding my menu and feeling so special, like a person, not just an awkward child. Millie has always had the ability to make me feel as if I was someone important to her. It's amazing to realize this has withstood the test of time. Millie and Jim have been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember. There has never been a time when we were not connected in some way. There was an almost invisible bond that existed between the three of us. We all left home, broke bonds with the family, went our own way. Then we all returned, even lived in the same building again.
Monday, February 5th
Millie: Once upstairs, I was unable to fall asleep but did rest in bed for several hours. When I got up and dressed, I called all of our sons to let them know and informed Tim that it was Jim's wishes that he and Fr. Pat concelebrate a Memorial Mass and that Fr. Pat do the homily and Tim and Barbara do the eulogies. After that, I went downstairs and told Vivian to get paper and pen and we catalogued all the supplies, mostly dressings, tape and that kind of thing and packed them away in the containers they arrived in from the hospital when Jim came home after his earlier surgery. We taped the contents list on top of each of the two containers and put them in the back hallway for Mike to store away. We also put his radio out there. Vivian flushed down the toilet any medications prescribed by his original doctors that were leftover. Next I told Vivian she should put one of her tablecloths on the table as the one that was on there was Jim's. Bob came down and we took the leaf out of the table and put Vivian's tablecloth on and when we finished, the dining room looked normal. Jennie was going to come over on Tuesday and go through Jim's room and take anything that she wanted to keep. I told Vivian that I would come down the next day and help her pack up Jim's clothes to be donated to the Salvation Army. After that, I went upstairs, had a bowl of cereal and laid down on the couch where I slept for several hours.
Tuesday, February 6th
Millie: Bob and I went downstairs in the early afternoon, after Jennie had been there and taken the things of Jim's that she wanted to keep. We began to pack up his clothes. Bob would bring the things out, Vivian would go through the pockets, and I would fold them and put them in big green garbage bags. We filled the first bag with outerwear, jackets in various weights and sizes. Next we did suits, sports coats and dress slacks; this filled a second garbage bag. We put labels on the bags to identify the contents. Next we tackled shirts, here Vivian and I both began to fold. We filled a third bag with shirts. Next we did sportswear, sweat pants and tops, jeans and t-shirts and filled a fourth bag. Lastly we emptied his dresser drawers of pajamas, underwear and belts; this filled a fifth bag. We left the bags in the dining room to be picked up. The hospice people came and picked up the hospital bed and oxygen tanks The commode and walker were paid for by insurance and stayed here. Except for these two items, the room was now pretty much cleared out. After we left, Vivian began to shred the papers that were in Jim's files. If you want over-organization, just put Vivian and me together to do a job...we could drive you nuts!
Afterwards
Millie: Jim's Memorial Mass was scheduled for Friday, February 23rd. On Monday of that week, Rob called to say that at Jane's doctor visit that day he said the baby could arrive at any day. I had promised Jane that we would be up to help her when the baby was born and I felt awful that I would have to renege on this promise. Bob seemed to think that we could go up to Green Bay and back down by Friday; I knew that for me that would be impossible. I called Rob and while talking to him about this began to sob, it was the first time since Jim died that I could cry. Rob reassured me that they had things under control and I should not worry about them. I felt a little better after the cry.
But that didn't last too long because the next day, Vivian, Bob and I went to Jim's room at the rectory. Jennie, Vivian, Barbara and Mike had already been there and took the things that they wanted to keep. As soon as I walked into the room I realized that this was Jim's special place and in it were all the things that were precious to him. I had an overwhelming feeling of invading his privacy. The phrase "one person's treasures can be another person's junk" popped into my head and I felt awful going through all of his things. There were three sets of candle sticks, two sets were brass and one was silver, and three boxes of candles with four candles in each box. I thought this would be a nice keepsake for my three sisters, Betty, Theresa and Helen, and a candle holder with a three inch wide candle that I thought would be nice for Joyce so I took these four items. Jim also had a complete set of audio tapes which I figured he got from Readers Digest or Time-Life. They were of popular music from an earlier time, big band music, and some classical selections; there were 75 tapes in all. Each series of three, four or five tapes was in a plastic container to house them, not unlike the desk top containers made for cd's. It was an impressive collection and one I thought Jim must have really enjoyed. Since both Jeff and Rob are collectors of audio tapes of old radio shows I thought they might appreciate these and so I took them. If these were precious to Jim, I didn't want them to go to some stranger. Jim also had some beer steins and since he knew Bob had a collection, I was sure he would want Bob to have these. I also took a few other things I thought someone in the family would appreciate. This was by far the most difficult process for me in clearing out Jim's rooms both at the rectory and at home.
Barbara: The thing that gave me a twinge when I was in Jim's special room, his day-room at I.C. was seeing this little black shellacked wooden tray with six saki cups I guess they are. He sent that home from Okinawa when he was in the Air Force there as a Medic. Just seeing that brought back the familiar smell that would emanate from the boxes he sent home with souvenirs for all of us. I remember every one of them, even the elaborate scrap book (for Mom I guess) that was packed in straw. How I hated that straw because it was so messy. And that straw really had a smell to it, like some kind of spice or wood. Jim loved being in the Air Force. When he was home he would tell me stories about all the ghoulish things that they did while on the rescue boats. The story I would ask for over and over was the one where they rescued some guy who was in the water for such a long time that when they brought his body to the surface it just fell apart. When he left for service he must have been 18 or so, maybe even younger. He enlisted so I guess it was something he wanted to do. But I hated him leaving home, leaving me. And whenever we'd get the news that he was coming home for a furlough, I guess they call it, I was always so excited seeing him walk through the door and back into my life. But the next second would already be filled with the dread of knowing that in 14 days he would walk out that door again. I could hardly bring myself to enjoy his being home knowing that each day brought me closer to the pain of saying goodbye.
That is the same way it was for me when he returned from his surgery this last time. In the past he was able to recuperate and bring himself back to life. But I think that feeding tube which he never needed or used syphoned whatever hope he had out of him. It was a daily reminder that he would never make it back this time. I began having those childhood feelings of wanting to hide to spare myself the pain of seeing him leave. Only this time he didn't walk out the door. He was strapped to a board and tilted upright to clear all the doorways. Before they took him away I made sure I watched the whole procedure in that bedroom because I wanted to know for sure that nothing bad would happen to him even now. When they wheeled him past me it was strange, as if they were moving a piece of furniture. I had one last thing to check. I needed to look at the bed he was laying in. I wanted to make sure there was no trace of anything that would indicate he had been suffering beyond what we could see and hear. There was only a tiny spot of blood that I think came from the catheter when they removed it. Now it was finished.
Millie: After the date for the Memorial Mass with reception afterwards at the parish was set, I decided that it would be nice to have the immediate family come back to our place. There wouldn't be an opportunity for us to be alone together and I felt that was important. I told Vivian and Barbara of my plans. Next I called Jennie and told her I realized Rick's family, the parish family, and their friends would be at the Mass but I didn't want her to feel left out of our family gathering. I assured her that she should be with whomever would bring her the most comfort and not to feel obliged to come here. Then I called Helen, Betty, Theresa and Joyce and invited them and asked them to extend the invitation to members of their family.
Friday, February 23rd
Millie: Jim's Mass was scheduled for 6:00 pm. Tim came to our house and the three of us went to Immaculate Conception Church together. There were quite a few people who attended the Mass. We chatted with Fr. Larry before Mass and he talked about how kind Jim was when he first came to the parish. We agreed that Jim did things for others that he didn't think were special and he frequently didn't even remember what he had done and that was part of his beauty. Frs. Pat, Larry, Tim and Mike (Jack Klein's nephew) concelebrated the Mass. Jim had picked the readings and the hymns he wanted. Fr. Pat did the homily after the reading of the gospel and it was clear that Jim had been an important person in his life. Before the dismissal, Tim and Barbara did the eulogies. Tim was first and half way through while relating an incident in his life where Jim taught him how to tie a necktie, Tim broke down. He said afterwards he had other recollections he wanted to share but when he couldn't even get through the tie story he decided not to go any further. Then Barbara went up and after calling Tim a crybaby began her talk.
Barbara's Eulogy:
Jim requested Tim Fairman and Barbara Garrison give his eulogy.
I can understand why he might want Tim, but why did Jim want me? Was this to be an honor for both of us.........or a test.......... or kind of a fun-loving prank?
He knew I am Agnostic in my beliefs.
Did he want me to give words of comfort for those of you who are not as convinced as the others that there is an afterlife and people waiting for us there?
He knew I am pretty up front and not afraid of the Truth
Did he want me to tell those things that were not exactly stellar about him? Things that would bring his life into balance. Things that would offset all the wonderful and compassionate things he did do? Things that would make it less painful for us to let go of him?
He knew I love to analyze everything....and he disliked that about me, even ridiculed me at times and warned certain people to be careful around me because I would psychoanalyze them. "Don't let her upset you" were his words.
So did he want me to try and upset you or maybe be upset myself? Yes, if he was shrewd enough to play that game with me he succeeded because I truly don't know why I am standing here and I can't analyze this one into a satisfying conclusion.
He knew I have a sense of humor and can tell a pretty good story.
Did he want me to tell about the time we were all still living at home. He had gone out with the gang to McGreeneys and he came home very late and mistook my half slip hanging in the bathroom for his pajama bottoms and slept all night in it?
He knew how much I value our family
Did he want me to comfort all of you in this hour of grief?
He knew I had done public speaking, some of it from the pulpit.
Did he think that I may be one of the only people (besides Tim) who could actually stand up here and feel comfortable?
He knew I had a good memory for details and could factor in both the positives and negatives.
Did he want me to tell you what I saw as his strong points, his weaknesses, those things that made him a classic Turk. Did he want me to hint at the secrets he kept even from himself? I think I might be able to do that but intimacy does not allow me to speak so publicly about these tender things
Did you know this about me, Jim? Did you know you could feel safe with me?
What did you know about me Jim? And why did you ask me to deliver part of your eulogy?
The answer to this question, along with all the other things that James Turk kept to himself, went with him that night
I would say that few people ever had an in-depth discussion with Jim, and most probably never got more than a one or two word comment out of him (unless he was conducting one of his tours of the city). Most of my life with Jim was spent with him being silent and me wondering if I'm boring him, entertaining him, upsetting him, enlightening him, or just keeping an unnecessary conversation going. He was the quintessential Quiet Man. And yet his life spoke volumes. He was a living presence. A perfect example of Familial Devotion, Marital Commitment, Dedication to a Cause, Compassion for People, all people. There was a man who lived outside this church. When Jim would leave work every night at 9:00 he would give him a dollar or two for spend money. I would hope that man is here now to hear how much Jim respected him.
One of his childhood heroes was Superman. Jim talked about having flying dreams. At night in his sleep he would "fly" all over the world helping people. As we sat on opposite sides of Jim's bed that last night Mike reminded me of this little out-of-body trick Jim could do, this flying. We hoped he was flying high that night and not in that bed suffering.
I know it was difficult for Jim to come back to 5621 Richmond, the place he called home until he met his "angel" Joan. He told me once in the private talks he and I would have in rare moments now and again about an experience he had that was so wonderful for him. He described it this way: "I was sitting in the front room all alone. It was late at night. Suddenly the room got very, very cold, so cold I could see my breath. A bright light filled the room. Suddenly I knew that my purpose in the world would soon be revealed to me."
A year or so later he met Joan at I.C. Parish. Within a few short months they were married. A year later she discovered she had cancer. His purpose was before him. He was to love this woman unto death, and then take care of her child. Jennie then became his reason for living, his purpose in life. He helped her become strong enough to take care of him. And take good care of him she did. Jim was a loving husband and father. So coming back to 5621 Richmond was a difficult thing for Jim. I imagine giving up his life to cancer was not as painful as giving up the dream he had for himself and his wife and child.
But we, his former family, did our best to provide him with the safety and security of knowing he was surrounded by people who cared about him. We did our best to deliver him to the threshold of his faith and see him off.
I would personally like to express my gratitude to everyone who helped Mike and I give to Jim the only thing he ever came right out and up-front asked forpermission to die in our home. When he was told by his doctor that there was no hope of curing him, he was given the name of Horizon Hospice and told he would have a choice to stay at home or go to a Hospice House. At that point he broke down for just a few seconds and said: "I'd like to stay here if you don't mind."
It was not a matter of "Mind" it was now business of the heart. I merely returned the favors he had done for me when, as a mother with small children, I had to go home not once but twice. Jim reaped what he sowed. We were all there for him during that last year of his life with our cards and calls, visits and prayers, and then keeping the final vigil. We did our best to thank him and let him know how much he meant to us.
Now we say good-bye to his Presence in our life. My last words to him were "I'm really going to miss you." That, Jim, will be true for as long as I live, and possibly forever.
Millie: By the time she finished, she and everyone in the congregation was crying. The closing of the Mass followed shortly after her eulogy and we were all invited to the reception which Jim had also arranged for. I forgot to put a handkerchief in my purse and had only two kleenex, one of which was totally destroyed, and now I had to get up and exit the church. Our friends, Rita, Martha and Aileen and John had attended the Mass and Aileen had extra kleenex in her purse which she gave to me The reception was handled by Jennie and the parish secretary and her husband who were good friends of Jim. They did an exceptional job. We stayed for a while and then headed for home to await the arrival of our family.
There were 39 of us who gathered. Bob and I had arranged occasional tables with chairs around them in the living room hoping to expand the seating in that room. At least the senior members of the family got to sit down. We had a light supper of sandwiches, salads and sweets which many of us helped prepare. Betty, Theresa, Helen and Joyce all appreciated that I had selected something for them from Jim's treasures. I was really glad that we had this time to be together.
Later...
Millie: Joyce made an audio tape of the Mass and brought one for us and as I listened to it, the tears came again. I was very pleased that Joyce thought to tape the Mass and doubly appreciated that she made a copy for us.
As I write this, I still have not fully comprehended that Jim is gone. My head knows it but my heart wants him to walk in the door to see if we want to go out to eat, or bringing us some of the dinner he prepared downstairs. I'll miss you Jim...you were very special indeed.