I live most of life trying not to inconvenience anyone with
my needs and wants. I worry that my phone call will disturb you, my
visit will interrupt your plans, my hurt will mar your joy, my
participation will diminish the experience. I guess within the deepest part of
my heart I feel I am a burden.
A someone like me needs a someone like God. Through
painful times of scrutiny and self-questioning I discovered deep within
that same heart a most beautiful precious jewel person, a source
of splendor and joy to myself...but still a burden to others.
Then I met you. Your eyes warm and sincere, your heart
loving and free. Within your deepest part there was a genuine caring
for people. All people. Even me. I tried not to burden you but
you insisted. And joy of joys, you saw the precious jewel person I
thought only God and I knew existed. Yes, knowing you made God
less necessary.
The hurt happened. Was I foolish to believe, naive to think
as I did that hurt cannot happen between precious jewel people? I
ran breathlessly back into the arms of God. "It's me, Barbara, remember?
I've come back, see. Hey, I heard a funny story yesterday. Would
you like to hear it? Oh, and I learned to crochet. In fact, I made this
very sweater. The only really hard part was getting the sleeves in. Well.
What do you think of it, huh?...Say, maybe you don't have time
to listen to all of this. You probably have other really important
things to do and here I am, keeping you from them, babbling away,
taking your time with this nonsense. Say listen, why don't you just give
me a call when you've got a minute or two to spare. I don't want to
burden you."
Alone. Alone. Alone.
"Hey God! It's me again. Why didn't you ever call? Skip it,
it really doesn't matter now. Here! You want this precious jewel?
Owning it brings me no pleasure anymore...and, and, I'm
afraid someone might see it and want it...and I won't share it again.
I won't. I won't! I just can't."
Hopeless.
You must risk. You need to trust. Risk. Risk. Risk...Trust.
Trust. Trust...NO! I want proof! Show me! I need proof.
Prove it.... PLEASE..... please...........
How is it your note arrived on the perfect day, bearing the
words I needed to hear?
You? But you are so worldly-wise, so sharp, how could
you believe — and without proof?
I give you hope...faith? How could this be?
What's that you called me?...a "beautiful precious
jewel person?" But that's gone. I have given it away!
Stop! This is madness...it is not possible...Don't you
know — God is a LIE!!!
Yet, in the space — the space between thoughts,
between knowing, I am struck, overwhelmed...
by a bird's song. Hearing each note. Realizing that that song
in all the world is unique. And I, only I, have heard it.
by the fragrance of lilacs...ah, but wait, it is but this one
single lilac among all the rest that has
called me to its beauty.
by the sounds. But what are those sounds? I do not
recognize them...they feel like music within
me...but I do not hear music.
by feeling, no, knowing it is possible for me to touch
another's life
so profoundly my strength will flow into him.
by being drawn to another because of the presence, the
presence of something; something I cannot
define, only desire
intensely because it vanishes the fear.
What is this experience, this feeling of being so fully
present within a moment that it is only my flesh that prevents me
from becoming totally absorbed within it...it....IT! Is it possible
a place exists I cannot conceive of? A place I can glimpse the
existence of only through flashes of profound truth? And can it be within
this place dwells our God...with us, among
us...still... forever......Yaweh?
Yahweh God, I am returned. I have tried in vain to find
purpose and meaning without you...and it does not exist.
And the proof of God rests within the heart,
the heart of a precious jewel person, like me.